Fifty First Not-Dates. Bob/Frank, Gen.

[chuckaloonie]

Another ficlet! This one's for rockeandroll . Her prompt was:  "I want Frank to be some superhero's sidekick and Bob to be the barman Frank complains to about how he's sick of being a sidekick and wants to design his own costume that isn't as stupid."

I don't know if this is what you had in mind Meg, but I hope you like it anyway.

As the rest of the ficlets I've written, this is unbeta'ed. Not because I can't be bothered to get a beta, but because I want different opinions about what I could've done to make the fics better. So far, you guys have been incredibly helpful, I hope this is not the exception.




 

 

The bar is pretty much empty, just three people occupying one of the tables in the back; they have been nursing their drinks for almost twenty minutes now. They’re talking business, Bob can tell, because their faces are way too serious to be talking about anything else. Besides, they don’t seem too familiar with each other, their postures are not as relaxed as they would be if they were friends.

Bob sighs; he likes it when it’s calm like this, but he’s bored out of his mind. Rush hour won’t start for another three hours, and everything’s in order already, so there’s really nothing much for him to do. He already read the newspaper, and he forgot the book he’s reading at home. He remembers he hasn’t called his mother in almost two weeks, so he takes out his phone to call her, when somebody opens the front door. Fucking great, Bob thinks bitterly.

It’s Frank, the annoying midget that comes every other day to use Bob as his personal therapist. Brian seriously doesn’t pay him enough to put up with this shit. On top of being so fucking whiny, he’s a terrible tipper, and demands Bob his full attention, even if he complains about the same thing every single fucking time. Worst part is, Frank is not like your regular drunk, like the ones that just want somebody to listen to their problems and expect nothing from Bob but the occasional nod or “Yeah?” or “That sucks, dude.” No, Frank wants Bob input on the subject, he wants Bob’s advise, even when, at this point, Bob really has nothing new to offer.

“The usual?” Bob asks, opening a beer as he speaks. Frank is nothing if not predictable.

“Well hello to you too, asshole.” Frank says, grabbing the beer Bob offers and taking a big gulp before sitting on the stool right in front of Bob.

Bob doesn’t answer, he knows Frank will take anything Bob says as an invitation to start whining. He goes to the far end of the counter and starts to fill the bowls with pretzels, even when he knows they’ll get stale because the bar is fucking empty and rush hour is three hours away. Whatever, it’s not like the patrons can complain, the pretzels are for free, after all. He hears Frank sigh, so loud is almost comical. He keeps filling the bowls. He’s bored, but not that bored, not enough to welcome Frank’s whining as a distraction. He’d much rather think about the weather, or the Bears (even if football season won’t start until August and it’s March), or the fact that he hasn’t had sex in almost three months, which, seriously, what the fuck is wrong with him? It’s not like he’s hideous, right? Besides, he’s good at sex, or at least that’s what his last girlfriend told him, although she cheated on him with that fucking bank manager, the whore. Bob wonders if they're still dating. He’ll have to ask Ray, he has an account on the bank where that asshole works, maybe he knows something, or at least he can ask around and find out. Whatever, it’s not like…

“BOB!”

“I’m sorry, I spaced out. Do you need a refill?”

“Well, duh! You’re the worst barman ever, Bryar.”

“Oh fuck you.” Bob says, but gets him another beer anyway, because despite what Frank says, he’s an amazing barman, thank you very much.

“You know? I said the exact same thing to Gerard yesterday.” Bob's amazed. Frank just found a way to start whining using 'fuck you' as a conversation opener. “Like, seriously Bob, I mean, I know I’m just his fucking sidekick, but I deserve to have a fucking opinion, you know?”

“Frank, seriously dude, I already told you…”

“I mean it’s not like I ask for too much Bob, you know that, right? I just want to design my own fucking costume!”

“I fucking know that Frank, I’ve been hearing you whine about the same fucking thing for months.”

“And yet, Gerard can’t seem to understand how much it means to me!”

Apparently, Frank has some type of amnesia that prevents him from remembering that he’s had the same conversation with Bob about a hundred times. Now that he thinks about it, this is just like “Fifty First Dates”. Bob feels like Adam Sandler… except Frank doesn’t look like Drew Barrymore at all, and Bob’s doesn’t like Frank, at least not in a romantic way. Also, he won’t get a happy ending, unless he finds a way to find Gerard and kick his ass until he agrees on letting Frank design his stupid costume. Okay, maybe this is nothing like “Fifty First Dates”, whatever. The point is, it sucks.

Bob decides to follow the same pattern of conversation he usually takes with Frank. He tried a different approach once, and that backfired horribly. Not only it didn’t stop the whining, but the conversation was twice as long as usual. He’s not making that mistake again.

“Dude, I know it sucks, but you have to admit that spandex is better for fighting than black, tight pants. Even if it's purple spandex.” Bob kinda feels for Frank. He'd kill Gerard before agreeing to wear a purple spandex costume. With black sequins. Gerard is definitely the campiest superhero ever.

“Fuck you Bob. I’ve been fighting in black, tight pants for years. Gerard only came up with the spandex costumes idea when he lost all that weight. Fucking show-off.”

“Yeah, you’re right, it sucks.”

“Damn right it sucks. I mean, why won’t he let me dress however the fuck I want? He can still wear his ridiculous costume, it’s not like we have to look alike!”

“I thought the Mayor told you guys that it was better for your image if you dressed cohesively?”

“Fucking Pete Wentz, what the fuck does he know?”

“Well, he had a clothing line before he was elected Mayor…”

“Are you fucking serious, Bob? I mean, have you looked at the stuff he designed?”

Bob agrees wholeheartedly with Frank about this. It’s just that he found out, after the first month, that when Frank directed his anger toward someone else, at least for a while, the conversation was usually shorter. Pete Wentz just happened to be the best target for that.

“It doesn’t matter Frank. The guy signs your paychecks, so you must do what he wants. Besides, he doesn’t try to tell you how to work, he doesn’t give you any shit when you go a little bit overboard with the beatings, so think of it as a small price to pay. We all have to put up with stuff we don’t like at work.”

Bob knows this. God, does he know this. If it was up to him, he would’ve banned Frank from entering the bar ever again, but Brian was not fond of the idea of banning regulars, especially when they were regulars who didn’t start fights or cause any kind of trouble. Bullshit, Frank caused trouble. He was a pain in Bob’s ass. Brian has never had the displeasure of being on the receiving end of Frank’s whining, so he shouldn’t be the one who made the decision to keep him as a costumer, owner of the bar or not.

“Okay, maybe you’re right, but that doesn’t mean that Gerard should be the one who gets to design the costumes.”

“Except he’s the one with an actual superpower, so that kind of gives him the upper hand when it comes to making decisions.”

“So fucking what? I’m the one who kicks the bad guy’s asses, not him. Pacifist my ass, he’s just a pussy.”

“Frank, you’re not the only guy in Jersey who knows how to fight. Gerard, however, is the only one with super-hearing and the ability to fly almost at light speed while he carries you on his fucking back.”

“Fuck you, Bryar. Are you implying I’m replaceable?”

“Of course you are, you egotistical midget. I bet I can kick your ass with one hand tied behind my back.”

That right there was a stupid, stupid move from Bob’s part. He realizes this the moment he says it. Frank’s anger should never be directed at him. It’s not that Bob is afraid to fight Frank, he actually believes what he told him, but he can’t afford to get into a fight with a costumer, not right now. His bills are piling up, and Brian already warned him that he’d fire his ass if it happened again. He wouldn’t even be able to claim self-defense, because he was the one who provoked Frank, not the other way around. Of course, it would be in self-defense; Bob would be defending himself from the fucking tedious conversation that Frank is submitting him to, but Bob’s sure that Brian would never see it that way.

“Oh really? You’re so sure, huh big guy? Come on then, let’s go outside, show me what you’ve got.” Frank raises from his stool, but doesn’t walk to the door. He keeps looking at Bob with an amused expression on his face.

“I was just kidding dude, chill. Come on, I’ll get you another beer.”

“No, I want to see what you can do. Come on, I won’t tell, you won’t get in trouble with your boss, if that’s what you’re afraid of. Unless of course, that you’re afraid of me.”

“I won’t fight you, okay? Sit the fuck down and drink your beer. Or better yet, get the fuck out of here. Don’t worry about the tab, it’s on the house.”

“I’ll let it go if everything I drink today is on the house.”

“Fuck you, I was willing to pay for your beers out of my own pocket if that would've meant you’d leave, but if you stay, you’re paying for your fucking drinks.”

“Then fight me, fucker.”

“I won’t, but just so you know, if you throw the first punch I’d be completely justified to hit you back. After all, there are witnesses, so Brian can’t fire me if I kick your ass in self-defense.”

Frank turns to look at the three men on the back. “They’re not paying attention to us. How are they gonna see who starts the fight?”

“You could start yelling or something. That way, you’d get their attention and they’d be able to see when you hit me.”

“So you really want to fight me, huh?”

Bob does. He really, really does. Mainly because he hopes that if they fight, and he kicks Frank’s ass, he might be too embarrassed to come back. “Yeah, I really do.”

“We will, but would you mind to tell my why?”

Bob doesn’t know what to say. Frank’s expression is not amused anymore. If Bob knew more about feelings, which he totally doesn’t, he could’ve sworn Frank was kind of sad.

“Um, I don’t really know, dude. I guess I’m kind of curious.”

“Curious?”

“Yeah, I mean, let’s face it, you’re a pretty small guy, and yet you kick people’s asses for a living. You must be good, otherwise Gerard would’ve replaced you already, so I guess I want to know how good you are.”

Frank sighs, and he starts to shake his head while he smiles. It’s not a real smile though, more like a condescending one, like he’s thinking poor idiot, it’s not his fault he’s so stupid or something.

“What does my size has to do with anything? I thought you knew fighting was about strength, and agility, and fucking technique. Not height.”

Great. Now Bob feels bad, and he hates feeling bad. Fucking Frank.

“I’m sorry dude, you’re right. You know what? I’m not even curious anymore. Why don’t you sit down and take another beer instead? On the house. Wait, but just this one, I can’t afford to pay for other people’s drinks, not if they won’t even put out afterwards.”

Frank raised an eyebrow. “So if I promise to put out, you’d pay for my drinks?”

“You wish, asshole.” Bob says. Frank takes the beer and sits down again.

“You know what I really wish? I wish Gerard would also stop giving a fucking speech to the bad guys while we’re waiting for the police to arrive. I mean it’s not like they care if they’re wrong to target women ‘based on the mistaken notion that they’re weaker’, plus they’re almost unconscious most of the time, because you’re right, sometimes I do get a little bit carried away; so I’m the one who has to listen to his fucking speech over and over again, which is unfair…”

Bob groans; here we go again. I should’ve fought the bastard. He gets the rag, starts cleaning the counter, and tunes out.

 

 

Comments

[rockeandroll.livejournal.com]

YAAAAAAY. I love this and it was just from a silly AU prompt I made up on the spot! But it's great. And especially hilarious because I finally got a copy of The Umbrella Academy today. And Pete is the mayor! And purple spandex with sequins! It's perfect. <3

[chuckaloonie.livejournal.com]

Thanks baby, I'm glad you liked it! ♥

[villiagegreen.livejournal.com]

Pete wentz is like sprinkles ... You just add him and it just gets that much better.....

This story was too cute!!!

[chuckaloonie.livejournal.com]

Pete Wentz should appear in every single fic ever written. Or at least mentioned.

Fanks,dahling!!!

[ladyfoxxx.livejournal.com]

Gerard is definitely the campiest superhero ever.

BRB LAUGHING FOREVER.

[chuckaloonie.livejournal.com]

\o/

I’ve been fighting in black, tight pants for years.

[minionsattack.livejournal.com]

I’ve been fighting in black, tight pants for years.
I'm sure he has been. :) He says it like that's an everyday thing, I love that :D

plus they’re almost unconscious most of the time
Please excuse me, I'm laughing too hard to cry. I can so imagine that (seeing as Gerard does most of the talking), with Frank in the back ground.

I love it!! I'm now gonna try and figure out how to watch this. (If you know, can you tell me? I'm a newbie!)

Re: I’ve been fighting in black, tight pants for years.

[xstunt-pilots.livejournal.com]

Up at the top in the navbar? Hit "add as friend" and you'll get all her posts on your flist. :3

Re: I’ve been fighting in black, tight pants for years.

[minionsattack.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

Re: I’ve been fighting in black, tight pants for years.

[chuckaloonie.livejournal.com]

Thank you baby, I'm glad you liked it!

[xstunt-pilots.livejournal.com]

I loved this. It was truly darling. And I loved your jephadan, i just neglected to comment. >.>

Of course Gerard is the most camp superhero ever, it could be no other way. :3

[chuckaloonie.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you liked it Julia, thanks! ♥

Gerard is the campiest EVERYTHING. It's just the way it is.

[eisfor-eek.livejournal.com]

I love this, and I love you.

End of story. Kaythanks.

[chuckaloonie.livejournal.com]

:DDDDDD Thanks baby, I love you too and I'm glad you liked it!!!

[rockeandroll.livejournal.com]

So I FINALLY came back to try to do the concrit thing and realised I had basically nothing to say about thsi one.

black, tight pants
For some reason I really want the adjectives the other way around so it says 'tight, black pants' but I have no idea why.

The guy signs your paychecks, so you must do what he wants
'must' sounds a bit too British for Bob in my mind. I think most of the bandom guys would be more inclined to say 'gotta'.

And that's all I found to nitpick before I went back to going :D about Gerard giving unconscious bad guys feminist lecturing.

[chuckaloonie.livejournal.com]

Meg, do you have time to be my beta? I started to write another prompt, but the story took a completely different direction, and so far I've written like 5k words and I'm still not done.

Since it's not one of the prompts, I'd like to post this one beta'ed. I have to warn you though, it's completely cheese and cliched and I was hoping the beta could help me not only with grammar but with the writing as well.

It's okay if you don't want you/can't, I just thought it couldn't hurt to ask.

[rockeandroll.livejournal.com]

I would love to be your beta! Time-wise, I have to warn you that it's not going to be that quick because beta-reading is unfortunately stuck quite low down on my to-do list. But as long as you're not writing a 20k+ epic every day I can beta for you, and if your stuff gets long we can probably work something out.

Though if this is going to be a serious long-term beta relationship we have to have the rules talk about exactly what you want from me and how tough I'm allowed to be and I'm sorry I make editing sound like BDSM.

[rockeandroll.livejournal.com]

Actually I thought about that for five seconds and I'm not sorry I made editing sound like BDSM, because that makes it sound more awesome.

[chuckaloonie.livejournal.com]

IT IS MORE AWESOME INDEED.

[chuckaloonie.livejournal.com]

Well, for the time being, I just need your help with this particular fic; because then I have to finish writing the prompts, and I don't want those to be beta'ed.

If after finishing the prompt, I decide to keep writing, then we can talk about rules and all that stuff.

About this particular fic: I want you to be as tough as you can, because like I said, I feel that it's coming off a bit cheesy and cliched, so I definitely need help with that. I want it to flow naturally, not to sound like a soap opera, which is how I think it sounds now.
Also, as you know, my vocabulary is very limited, so if you find a phrase that could sound better if it's said with different words, then I'd like you to point that out, too.

I'm aware that it'd be a lot of work for you, so if you want, PM me your email address and I can send you what I have so far so you can get an idea of how much work it'd involve, and you can decide if you're up for the challenge. You honestly won't hurt my feelings if you decide not to do it. I'm aware that you have a life outside the internet and that being my beta would take up a lot of your time, so it's cool.

[desfinado.livejournal.com]

This was awesome! I love the universe, the little bits of it that are revealed through Bob's narrative and Frank's dialogue, it seems ridiculous enough to be hilarious but you flesh it out with details that make it real too. I'd love to see more of it, to see how Frank finds that dynamic of being a sidekick.

You did SUCH a wonderful job with Bob's voice here, but I'm starting to realize that's just something you're good at in general! His frustration with Frank comes across well, but without going overboard or sounding cliched. A lot of fic is based around Bob being pissed at Frank, but often I don't really get why Bob is pissed, or someone writes his anger in a way that confuses me. But the way you write it makes complete sense. Bob doesn't overreact, he realizes it's not a HUGE deal, but it bugs him in that way that monotonous things can annoy you when you're stuck at work and you have to put up with it to keep your job - something I am sure we all know about!

Frank's character is great too, he comes across just as annoying as Bob's narrative set him up to be, but with a bit more back story to it that we as readers start to get curious about, and that makes us a bit sympathetic to him -- but not so sympathetic to forget how much he annoys Bob!

“You know? I said the exact same thing to Gerard yesterday.” Bob's amazed. Frank just found a way to start whining using 'fuck you' as a conversation opener.

This made me laugh so hard! Of COURSE Frank would find a way to turn Bob's insult into a new tirade of complaints about his life, LOL.

Of course, it would be in self-defense; Bob would be defending himself from the fucking tedious conversation that Frank is submitting him to, but Bob’s sure that Brian would never see it that way.

This too, so hilarious. I like the way you write Bob's sense of humour, dry and kind of off-colour, which seems so appropriate for him!

So here's the one part that felt a bit off to me:

“We will, but would you mind to tell my why?”

I felt like they were honestly angry at each other, about to have a fight, and then suddenly Frank is speaking really politely and is all sad. I understand what you're going for -- that Frank doesn't like people assuming he can't fight because he's small -- but I think the transition from Frank being angry and wanting to fight to Frank being sad and contemplative could have been a bit smoother. I like the direction you took it, but perhaps you could have devoted a bit more time to transitioning?

I also felt like Bob's line about people having to put out to get free drinks felt out of place, just because it seemed like flirting to me but there had been no indication in the story that they were into each other, and in fact there was every indication that they both found the other kind of annoying (in a fond sort of way, like they could maybe become friends but the kind of friends that insult each other a lot).

I feel like two things could have worked instead: either change the line to something about Bob only giving drinks to people who follow through on their promises of a fight (which would make sense considering their earlier conversation), OR just transition into the "putting out" comment a bit more smoothly. For example, Frank could pester Bob and ask what exactly he would have to do in order to get more free drinks, and Bob would say things like "be less annoying" and Frank could bat his eyelashes and joke about "oh, so you mean you only give free drinks to girls who put out?"... playing it off like it's a joke Frank's making would seem realistic for the story you've got going on, and then maybe Bob could blush but tell him to fuck off, but it would get Bob thinking about it. I feel like this would be a great starting point for a Frank/Bob story, as Frank keeps annoying Bob but now Bob thinks about shutting him up with his tongue, or seeing how Frank's tiny, compact energy channels into fucking....

Regardless of my suggestions, I absolutely loved this fic! It was hilarious, the story was creative and engaging, and the characterizations were wonderful. :D

[desfinado.livejournal.com]

EDIT TO ADD: you should totally post this to the bandom community at large, you know! With a beta for some of the grammar/spelling bits I know a lot of people who would find this as hilarious a I did! I am always happy to offer beta services if you need them! :)

[chuckaloonie.livejournal.com]

You think? I honestly don't think I'm ready for something like that, but maybe you could beta this story for me, just to see if the final result is good enough for a community?

I mean, the only community where I've read fics that are not that good is the one about Frank and Gerard (not the one mod by boobookittifuk, the other one), but this is not a Frerard story, so I wouldn't know where I could post it without ending up embarrassing myself, or god forbid, being sporked!
Maybe you could point me to an amateur-friendly community?

[desfinado.livejournal.com]

I do think you should! I feel like it would be welcome in either bandslashmania or mychemicalslash. They both have a real range of authors posting there, from ones that are really brutal to some of the best I've read. The second one has more people watching it, the first is more spread out in it fan base and has a lot of PATD folks on it.

Please don't ever feel hesitant about posting because it's not Frank/Gerard or whatever the "popular" pairings are! All the Bob/Frank 'shippers out there or just general Bob-lovers would be sad. And don't get caught up counting how many comments you get, that is every writer's downfall... especially when you're new and people don't know you yet, it takes a bit of time, but we all start somewhere! You don't seem like the kind of person who'd overreact about that though! :)

I would be happy to beta! I'll PM you my e-mail address.

My suggestions about those few comments near the end still stand though... would you want to give it another edit of your own before you send it my way? I will also say, selfishly, that you should add to this story! It's fine to end where it is but I would SO read more of where it's going, even if it didn't make it to the porn :D That's totally your call though, the length is perfect the way it is too.

[chuckaloonie.livejournal.com]

*____* I seriously don't know what to say. I'm so, so grateful and humbled by such thoughtful feedback, that all I can say is THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART.

It makes me so proud that you thought that I nailed Bob's voice! He's my absolute favorite, so I'm glad I was able to do him justice.

Now, about the things you found odd:

- I keep forgetting that you guys can't read my mind! See, when Frank asked Bob why he wanted to fight him, he still didn't know that Bob thought that he was too small to be good at it. IN MY MIND, Frank really didn't want to fight Bob, he was totally bluffing. Not because he was afraid of Bob, but because it was right then when he realized that Bob didn't like him as much as Frank thought he did, that Bob was annoyed by him, which made him sad. The thing is, since I was writing this from Bob's POV, I couldn't find a way to explain how Frank was feeling without messing with the POV.

- I didn't want this to become a Bob/Frank story, I wanted to keep it gen, but they're my OTP and my mind totally betrayed me. It was supposed to come off as if Bob was telling Frank that he only bought drinks for people who'd put out BUT SINCE HE WASN'T INTERESTED AT ALL IN FRANK, there was no way he'd buy him drinks. And then when Frank asked Bob if he'd buy him drinks if he'd put out, I didn't mean to make it sound flirty either. See, because Frank had been sad because he thought Bob didn't like him (as a friend), when Bob said he didn't want to fight him and then on top of that made a joke, Frank was relieved so he jocked back. AGAIN, PEOPLE ARE NOT MIND READERS AND I SHOULD BE AWARE OF THAT.

Thank you, you made my LIFE. ♥

[desfinado.livejournal.com]

LOL, you're welcome! You deserve the praise, I often have lots of Frank/Bob fic ideas but I give up because I don't have half the skills at writing Bob as you do!

And I totally fall into the same trap all the time, it's so hard to tell what is or isn't clear to the reader sometimes, especially when you're so wrapped up in your own fic! I think you're right, all you need to do is be more clear about those two things and it will be fine! And you totally nailed the POV too, sticking to Bob's... which, like you say, makes it harder to show how Frank is feeling. But maybe this means re-evaluating how much of Frank's emotions we NEED to see as readers? In a fic this short, from Bob's POV, we don't need to see all of Frank's emotions -- I think sticking to a few, just enough to show that he's a bit deeper than Bob thinks he is, still gets the same message across in the story.

And good for you for trying to keep it gen, but to me this feels like pre-slash! If the story takes you somewhere, then I say go with it, don't fight it :D